I trained them to be this way

*( Edited: early this morning only part of this post was showing up.  I hope you got to see the whole version)

It all came to a head.

I may or may not have screamed at my children today.  (I may or may not be pms-ing right now.  Beside the point, kinda).

It's the second day of their off-track break and I am losing my mind.  Maybe it's a good thing.  I have realized a lot of things today.  I needed to lose the old parenting mind and get my head on straight.

Don't get me wrong.  I have great kids, who nearly always choose the right when it really matters, and who respect us as parents.  They don't have tantrums (only me) and they don't ever slam their door screaming that they hate me.  The dynamics of our home need a lot of revision though.  We need to get our groove on.

I have been training my children to be lazy and contentious. It's true.


I keep waiting for my children to be good (kind, obedient, considerate, non-murderous) just because I keep gently asking.  Just because I try to keep my voice down and ask repeatedly.  It's NOT working.

Maybe you are a sweeter, more benevolent person than I, and as such your offspring are inherently gentle and productive.  It may work for you to just try to be a peacemaker but it isn't working for us.

When they are fighting ( I mean these boys can really fight) I have tried to stay soft spoken and repeat myself a million times so as not to escalate things.  Well all I was telling my kids was that my limits were jello.  My boundaries were rubber.  I have stubborn children who need things loud and clear. 

Things like "This is not acceptable in our family.  You will stop NOW."

Things like "When I say your name it is for a reason.  You will stop what you are doing and listen."

Things like "You made a great start but that job is not finished.  I will check again in xxx minutes".

Not yelling, but direct and bold.  In fact, I have been talking too much.  That's another problem altogether.    Less is more.  They don't know which are the really important words from my mouth and which are just blather.

When they are slacking on their chores or assignments I think "Hmm, maybe I am expecting too much of them".  And I usually back off and require LESS.  Really.  Can you believe I reason that way?!  I can't either.  I have trained them that consistenly doing a half-baked job when you sweep the kitchen is fine because they aren't me and can't be expected to do it good enough.  Don't worry about being accountable yet.  Who am I kidding?  I am training someone's future husband and he better be able to sweep a kitchen and actually leave no pretzels behind for the baby to choke on.

It all kind of blew up today.  Not kind of, totally.  One son was being mean to his sister and enjoying it, another son was acting put-out because I requested he do something, still another was ignoring my pleas to help get ready for a trip to the library today. 

I thought, What am I doing here?  Whose operation is this?  They don't treat me any different than a peer or sibling.  They don't respond till the 71st time they are called, yadda yadda yadda.  This can't go on.  There is no order.



So, meet me.  The Mean Mom. 

Leaving the library today was a really fun experience.  I lectured for the whole drive home and my kids sat silently and believe it or not they were really listening. They knew I meant business. 

I said I had tried to be Nice Mom.  But Nice Mom has mean kids.  Nice Mom has a messy house and pee on the toilet seat.  Nice Mom feels frustrated at the end of each day instead of fulfilled.  Nice Mom doesn't train her kids the way she is expected.  This is the beginning of a change in our family.

I told them what we would be doing back at the house, starting with a family work project.  I put the baby down for a nap and then gave everyone a rag.  We pulled out every kitchen chair and the bench at the kitchen table and we scrubbed.  We scrubbed and scrubbed (yeah, it was gross).  We made those chairs shine and I praised them for the great work they were doing.  I asked them how it felt to see something get really clean due to their efforts.  They were seeing results.  Princess even dared say "This is FUN!"

Ya know what?  It was fun.  We cleaned for quite a while.  Then we had popsicles and they all ran outside to play street hockey.  They got along beautifully for hours.  Really.

Of course I have tons to figure out.  But I think I unlocked a mystery today.  Parenting with purpose carries  a whole lot more weight than parenting by default.  And we are all in this together.  As I raise the bar around here every one of us is going to benefit.  And I am looking forward to tomorrow.