Firsts and lasts

warning:  long post

The birthday

Potter had quite the weekend!  His 12th birthday was on Sat.  He is such a fun kid.

He chose a couple close buddies and they played all day.

The conference

The women I get to work with at church are wonderful.  I got to serve with them as we prepared a women's conference for our stake (group of 7 LDS congregations in our town).  We fed ladies physically and spiritually and it was a great day.  I love them.  And yes, we made 150 pincushions to go with our theme: "Your Life as a Quilt - making it beautiful, functional, and an heirloom".  I was very uplifted.

The award

Bugs got our family's one and only award in Science Fair, ever.  He did the whole project with a friend, without parents.  They got third place!  And the best way to keep an apple from browning?  The freezer!

The special day

Those who are of our faith know that turning 12 for a young man is a big deal.  We had our closest family (still a huge group!) with us to support us.  Man, he looks old in that suit!

Closing a chapter

So in the past two days, my first baby turned into a young man, and my last baby was weaned.  No, I didn't plan it to happen on the same day.

Of course I have mixed feelings over being done nursing.  Rosebud was almost ready, I was completely ready.  We had been declining feedings for the last month in preparation for the split.  But this morning as I woke up after our second full 24 hours weaned I felt a sharp pang in my heart.  I am so blessed that I was able to carry and bear and nourish five children with this body I was given.  I am eternally thankful for each experience I have had doing so.  But that unique temporary bond that I had with each child is now over for the final time.  Gosh, I love babies.  I know we are *done*, but that doesn't mean I'm not in mourning a tiny bit.

I feel like I am being yanked back and forth through the rigors of motherhood at an alarming rate. As my kids are growing into new stages I find myself giving slightly less physically to raise them, but three times as much mentally.

Now my kids need me in new ways.  It's exciting but scary.  My older children need me to be more in tune to their feelings and more sensitive to their needs and moods.  I have to look at their face and decode if it was a good day or a bad day, as they don't volunteer the info very often.  My younger children get a different mom than the older two.  I am far busier now, and I'm no longer a mom to just little ones.  I am spread a touch thinner over my increased demands, and yet I owe them the same time and caring as I did the others.  I need to be more efficient in my personal life so that all the stuff (me, kids, marriage, home, church, finances) still gets attention. 

                  

I wish I could remember my mom at this age.  As the oldest of six, I know kids are demanding and all-consuming.  But think about it - you only remember the way your mom parented you as of your teen-hood.  Most of us moms can't remember with our past "kid minds" how mom juggled it all when we and our siblings were all young and taking over her life.  So this is an interesting stage where we get to wade through the waters sort of alone.  Oh, I know we have friends and peers to bounce ideas off of, and share our struggles with.  But we need to largely figure this puzzle out for US and OUR family.  It's kind of a neat adventure.

As this chapter closes I am trying to embrace the new-and-constantly-improving family I was asked to supervise.  They might not all need me to hold their hands to cross the street anymore but I pray I can still be there at every turn in the road and keep them safe and out of the traffic of the world when they need me to.

Embracing my life

I am such a sap.

I sit here realizing our off track time is 2/3 over and I don't want it to end.  I have really loved hanging out with the kids and I have tears in my eyes thinking about it being over. 

I have been enjoying all the little stuff so fully.  Embracing all the ordinary moments.

filling the library book basket

science fair projects

returning from Klondike derby in six layers of clothing

singing Happy Birthday to my baby  

I am so thankful that I have been given the precious gift of perspective while I have relatively young kids.   When grandma says to enjoy them because they grow up fast, listen to her.  She is right.

I look at a sleeping baby or a boy out on roller blades and sometimes I feel as if my heart will burst.  I strive to take pictures of the fleeting moment with my soul. 

Will I remember this tomorrow?  Will I be able to recall her young 4 year old chatter?  Will I long for these days when my boys still kiss me goodbye?  I love these little people so deeply. 
Embracing my life isn't hard each day - as long as I make up my mind to be present.  Present in their lives.  Present in my own.  I was living for someday instead of now and it was controlling my decisions, my clutter, my creative process.  I have been scaring my husband with the amount of stuff I have cleaned, purged and organized this week.  What a wonderful feeling!

I have miraculously found time in the last week to do the enriching things that bring me peace and satisfaction AND be a good mom.  Fancy that.  Maybe, just maybe, the Lord helps us when our priorities are in order.